[open on a family's front living room, everyone seated on opposite couches ]
Greg Mattison: Craig? Will? Your defensive line coach, Jerry, and I are so glad you decided to join us for this Football Communication session.
Craig: So, what's up? You guys getting canned, or something?
Jerry: No. We just wanted the Line to talk as a group.
Will: Okay. Well, let's get it started.
Jerry: Okay. Well, Craig, Will.. your defensive coordinator, Greg, and I are a little bit concerned. Brian, the Michigan blogging guy, was doing a UFR, and found out you guys scored pretty low in three games...
Craug: [ anxious ] He went Jihad on us didn't he?
Jerry: No! He didn't go Jihad
Greg: Now, we're not here to "come down on you" I mean, that's not what we're about, okay?
Jerry: We're just concerned that poor d-line play could lead to other things...
Greg: No pressure, clean quarterbacks, bad tackling, pad level
Jerry: Well, we know you don't want to hear this from us.
Greg: Sure! I mean we're your coaches! Who wants to hear this stuff from their coaches, huh?
Jerry: Greg and I came up with a brilliant idea to give you kids some direction - a motivational football speaker.
Greg: Yeah. One of those guys who speaks to big groups at high schools, area league football teams and churches.
Craig: You mean, to come to the big house?
[ the kids get up to leave ]
Greg: Hey, come on, you guys. This set me back a few bucks. Okay, his name is Brady Hoke. Now, he's been out in the Al Glick field house drinking coffee for about the last four hours, and he should be all ready to go. I'll call him up. [ opens the basement door ] Brady, we're ready for you! [ turns to the kids ] His speech is called "Get the Quarterback!" Now, he's used to big groups, so make him feel like there's a crowd here. [ calls down the basement again ] Brady! Come on up, buddy!
Brady Hoke: [ runs up the stairs, bouncing back and forth as he talks ] Alright, how's everybody? Good! Good! Good! Now, as your coaches probably told you, my name is Brady Hoke, and I am a Motivational Football Speaker! Now, let's get started by me giving you a little bit of a scenario of what my life is all about! First off, I am 52 years old.. I am divorced.. and I live in a van down by the river! Now, you kids are probably saying to yourself, "Now, I'm gonna go out, and I'm gonna get the quarterback by the tail, and wrap it around and put it in my pocket!!" Well, I'm here to tell you that you're probably gonna find out, as you go out there, that you're not gonna amount to Jack Squat!!" You're gonna end up eating a steady diet of government cheese, while playing for UFL team and living in a van down by the river! Now, young man, how many quarterbacks do you wanna sack?
Will: [ nervous ] I.. actually, Brady.. I kinda wanna play Offensive line...
Brady Hoke: We-e-e-elll.. la-de-freakin'-da! We've got ourselves a offensive linemen here! [ jumps across the room ] Hey, Greg, I can't see real good.. [ lifts his glasses off and on his face ] ..is that Josh...Jake Long over there?
Greg: Well, actually, Brady.. The last coaching staff encouraged Will in his move to offensive line.
Brady Hoke: Greg, I wish you could just shut your big yapper! [ stumbles back across the room ] Now, I wonder.. Will, from what I've heard from practice reports, you're using practice, not for getting better, but for eating cheeseburgers!You're gonna be doing a lot of eating when you're living in a van down by the river! [ turns to Craig ] Young man, what do you want to do to the quarterback?
Craig: [ sarcastic ] I don't wanna play anymore... I rather live in a van down by the river.
Brady Hoke: Well, you'll have plenty of time to live in a van down by the river when you're.. [ tries to be clever ] ..living in a van down by the river! Now, you kids are probably asking yourself, "Hey, Brady, how can we get back to the quarterback?!" Well, as I see it, there is only one solution! And that is for me to get my gear, move it on into here, 'cause I'm gonna bunk with you, buddy! Gonna teach you how to be tough! And physical! We're gonna be buddies! We're gonna be pals! [ picks Will up ] We're gonna wrassle around! [ puts Will down ] Ol' Brady's gonna be your shadow! [ motions] Here's Brady, here's you! There's Brady, there's you! [ trips and falls flat on the coffee table, sending it crashing to the floor ] Whoops-a-daisy! [ stands up ] We're gonna have to clean that up later! Me and my buddies! My pals! My amigos! I'm gonna go get my gear, so we can start practicing our three point stances![ heads for the door ]
Will: [ runs after Brady ] Wait, Brady! You don't have to go!
Craig: [ runs behind Will ] Yeah, you don't have to do that! We'll never score low on the UFR again!
Greg: Uh, Brady, thanks for all you've done!
Brady Hoke: I don't give a rat's behind, 'cause I'm moving in! I'm sick and tired of living in a van down by the river!
[ as Brady steps outside to grab his gear, Greg quickly locks the front door}
Greg: [ frightened ] Is the back door locked?
Jerry: [ petrified ] Yes!
Craig: We are sorry Greg!
Greg: Its ok...Just find the quarterback!
[ fade out on team group hug ]